"FLEETING MOMENTS"

We snuggle close in the dark

and I breathe deep the scent of boy.

It doesn’t happen often these days that he wakes in the night
and climbs into bed with us,

so it’s a sweet gift when he does.     

I was afraid of Motherhood at first.

Afraid that it might be an invasion of a limited-and-already-spoken-for amount of emotional space
and that something would have to “go.”
But, with the birth of my first,
I sensed a fight rising up in me.   

And with the birth of my second, a sense of expansion that I wouldn’t have thought possible had I not experienced it myself.

  What comes as a matter of course and is second nature to many became for me a journey of intense, calculated study.  I chose to embrace and observe this marvel of boys being brothers and how this journey of Motherhood grows me.

For 10 years now, I have used the camera to process what is inevitable, natural, and beyond my control. In order to make the enormity of the task of Motherhood less daunting, I had no choice but to observe my life - their lives - through the lens.  

In the early years it was a game of “catch and release”  - “catch” a moment, observe it closely, love it for what it was, then “release” it and move on.

I collected these moments like so many specimens, proof that along with the harsh realities I was experiencing there was also beauty and redemption.

These images, these fleeting moments, they’ve changed over the years.  And so have I.   Fear has given way to freedom and Motherhood has become a comfortably rumpled companion.  I am beginning to truly “see” my family.  I am free now to slow down, relax and intently observe the culture of boyhood.  It’s specific, yet universal, the messes they make,

 

the games they play,

the ways they grow,

the stillness,

the chaos,

and the ways they move

through the spaces they occupy.

These images, they have evolved from looking, to seeing, to revealing; from tightly clenched fists to upturned, open palms.  I observe, embrace, and document "Boy-Moments" of beauty, simplicity and importance in the face of the muddled goings-on of everyday life.  

I am keenly aware that “Now” is transient.  That’s why this game of “catch and release” is a worthy game – to make the transient tangible. So, this is my journey, the mile markers I hope to leave behind for them to show them the way when I'm gone.

Funny how pixels serve as reminders,

some  sweet like an embrace;

others like scar tissue.

The stretching, the pain -

they are not optional;

the releasing,

not free.

All the mess and all the peace, it's all covered by Grace.

The forgiveness and healing that happen along the way, these will shine brightest.

  

I breathe deep again the scent of boy,

close my eyes,

hold him

tight.

I know that “catch” is always followed by “release.”