today is the annual passing of the day of my birth. these days it's a day that passes, too much like every other. mom, the one who first carried me, who i was "one-with" before i arrived here, who shares in this day like no other can, isn't here anymore.
four of these markers have passed without her.
she carried me until i arrived in this world. she loved me, she grew me and watched me grow. and she loved watching me become "One-With", this time with the love of my life.
then it was my turn to carry. first one, then another. and i am their first "one-with". i carried them, and i love them, and i am growing them, and i love watching them grow. someday their hearts will burst open with amazement at finding and becoming "One-With" the loves of their lives. i will rejoice in that too.
on a day like today, the connection with the mother who was quite literally my first "one-with" feels so strong. it pulls at my heart and tightens my chest and squeezes my throat and aches my heart. she would have made this day special just by being here. not by drawing attention, not with balloons and celebrations, just with the smile in her voice as she spoke to me. just the knowledge that there is one heart on this planet that knows me through and through yet still adores me. she would have called me today. she would not let this day pass 'too much like any other'.
she knew that she was dying, and she knew that i did not. even then, with my next birthday almost 10 months away, she spoke of it, put her thumbprint on My Special Day.
if she were here still, her mark would be on this day and it would become My Day. and just because of that, it could not be like any other. celebrations aside, i would be Special this day, and this Day would be Special just because of me.
so all day i have been lost, wondering how to fill a hole that cannot be filled and cannot be ignored. i've choked back tears and hidden them when they overflowed. and i go on quietly loving her, but the emptiness has not filled.
and then another thought squeezes my throat, offers hope so dear it chokes - hope that the ache is actually OUTSIDE OF MY HEART, like a fabric covering that tatters with wear and falls away in strips but leaves the gift inside unharmed.
"He has put eternity in their hearts" -Ecc 3:11- words of hope.
how can i even begin to express the hope that filled my heart when i read these words?! my heart is safe! this ache, this grief, HAS to be external!
it may feel like a tidal wave, but it cannot overcome me.
it cannot drown me.
it cannot be IN my heart.
it cannot be IN me.
grief cannot be eternal, not for me, because i am His.
i am safe.
sad, but safe...rock solid because HE has put eternity in my heart. this is life changing for me. this assurance of 'eternity in my heart' has always offered hope that i am still her little girl, that she still loves me, that i'll see her again.
but now this Word, the Living Word, releases me, frees me, resuscitates me. i turn away from the fear that haunts - that Grief is big enough to overwhelm, blind, drown, suffocate.
"I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice and to do good in their lives." Ecc 3:12
how is it that i have read these words so many times, yet i have never read them? so, i will continue to love, and i will rejoice and i will find good to do in my life.
i don't know if it will fill the hole. i don't know if that spot of emptiness will ever go away. but i do know that i am safe. He is "my fortress, and the rock in whom I take refuge". PS 94:22
and now i must not ramble more. rest calls me and i can go there safely now.
